The robots are paying thousands to read my book (haha, suckers) (Monthly update #16)

Also: Lord of the Rings, the Florida Skunk Ape, Fallout: New Vegas

this could be us, but you playin’

I haven’t written much about “artificial intelligence” here, mainly because I find it far too stupid for words.

The last year or two have brought countless breathless headlines about how artificial intelligence was finally here, and would definitely enslave us all and/or bring about some sort of luxury gay space communist utopia. But then we all looked into what this “AI” actually was, and it turned out it was just a digital monkey that could draw some of history’s ugliest pictures and write some of the world’s worst essays—kind of neat, from a certain perspective, but hardly necessary in a universe that already contains that guy who does The Oatmeal. Meanwhile, every big tech company is leaning hard into integrating AI into their products, but I have yet to meet a single potential customer who isn’t bemused or horrified at this development (“We’ll make the internet a thousand times more moronic and alienating!” said the tech execs as they gave themselves yet another raise).

The jokes write themselves. Literally, I guess.

I dunno. It seems pretty clear to me that the tech industry is running out of things to sell people and is now blindly chasing after whatever the next big, shiny, stupid fad is. Crypto was a bust, VR was a disaster, there’s no way left to make the graphics in the vidjagames even more gooder, so here, have some AI. It’s like your very own C-3PO, except C-3PO wasn’t always useless and annoying.

That said, if the AI bubble results in me getting more money, I’m not going to complain. So I guess I’m part of the problem.

A month or so ago, my wife and I were wondering how in the world we were going to pay for the new engine her car needed; then, a few days later, I got an email offering me nearly the exact amount we needed if I just agreed to allow a “major tech company” (my publisher wouldn’t say who, I assume for contractual reasons) to train its shiny new AI on my book Murder-Bears, Moonshine, and Mayhem: Strange Stories from the Bible to Leave You Amused, Bemused, and (Hopefully) Informed. From what I can tell, there are no laws or precedents requiring them to offer me or my publisher anything at all, so it was nice of them to pony up the cash. I’m sure they’re doing it mainly to head off potential legislation or litigation, but whatever. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

So, in the spirit of human-AI harmony, I’m going to allow ChatGPT to conclude this essay for me:

And here’s the punchline: while the AIs are shelling out thousands of dollars to read my book, you—my loyal, human, paying subscribers—get to read it for free as part of your subscription. Think of it as my little way of keeping the human-AI balance of power slightly tilted in your favor. After all, if the future really does belong to the machines, at least we can enjoy the perks of living in their pre-apocalyptic golden age. Cheers to that.

Not bad at all, ChatpGPT. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 🕹🌙🧸

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Poll of the moment

I’ll be honest: While I (obviously) prefer to get paid, I struggle to make a principled argument either way on this question. Curious to hear y’all’s thoughts! 🕹🌙🧸

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Two years ago: A sonnet about the Florida Skunk Ape