MFW mopping up the blood of the damned

Short-short #6

“Hey.”

“Hey man.”

“How are you holding up? How was your first week as a member of the Dark Sacred Order of the Keepers of the Necronomicon?”

“Dude, do you have to call the Order by its full name every time you mention it? It’s weird.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s all right. And yeah, it’s been pretty good. The chants are catchy, the constant genuflecting’s been really good exercise, and even the occasional possession by an eldritch god hasn’t been too bad. Keeps me regular. But…”

“…something wrong?”

“I mean, I think you know what I’m gonna say, right?”

“The food?”

“Nah, the food’s fine. Chili’s a little suspect, but there’s always Froot Loops.”

“The robes? They stop itching so much once you wash them in the blood of virgins a couple of times.”

“Robes are all right. I wear a tri-blend underneath, it’s not too bad.”

“So what, then?”

“It’s just—you know how every night at the witching hour…”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah, it’s like—first, you hear the howls of the souls of the damned, and then the chapel floor opens up into a chasm from which the fires of hell spew forth, and then the very earth shakes with the voice of the Dark Lord, and the Book starts to weep tears of blood, and—”

“Here we go…”

“I mean, I thought it was pretty cool the first time I saw it. Good pyrotechnics. But dude, it happens every single night. And then who gets stuck putting out the fires and mopping up the blood? It’s me. Every single time. What’s that about?”

“I mean they always make the new guy…”

“And we know it’s going to happen! It’s the witching hour! It’s clockwork! Why is the chapel not fireproof? Why isn’t there a drain under the book? At the very least we could take those flammable banners down, or move the Book to a bathtub, or something—”

“But it looks so cool when—”

“It looks cool the first time. The first time! But it happens every single night! Hasn’t the Dark Lord made his point? At this point, he’s just being annoying.”

“Whoa, chill with the blasphemy…”

“We’re an evil cult! All we do here is blasphemy!”

“Bro…”

“And another thing! Why does it always have to be at the witching hour?”

“Uh, because it’s the witching hour?”

“Come on, man. The Dark Lord knows we gotta sleep. He knows. Why is he making us get up in the middle of the night every night? Just to flex on us?”

“I mean, maybe he…”

“I’m telling you, man, when I dedicated my life to serving the forces of evil, I assumed I’d be doing cool stuff like sacrificing babies or whatever, but nah, I’m stuck with a mop in my hand every night.”

“Well, dude…maybe eldritch god worship just isn’t your thing?”

“I guess, maybe. Too bad I’ve already quit my job, sold all my possessions, and signed away my soul in blood.”

“Yeah, yeah, that makes it tough.”

“Yeah.”

“Yep.”

“Welp. At least it came with a free Disney Plus subscription.”

“Yeah, that’s a perk. I mean, sort of.”

“Yeah, sort of.” 🕹🌙🧸

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⬅️ In case you missed it: The revision process, Trump, Shoe0nHead, everything I read in A. D. 2022

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