Floating in a galaxy of cucumbers

Short-short #1

Hi friends! I’m trying a new thing—a short-short story, delivered mid-month, every month. Let me know what you think!

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Evening, stranger. I saw you here, floating in the sea of cucumbers, stowing away in the cargo hold with the rest of us interstellar rail-riders. Can tell by your face that you’re not from around here, that you’re new to this world. (What gave you away? Your terrified expression, but also your antennas. Wild.)

Let me give you the dope: stowing away in these produce freighters is a life like no other. A constellation of lettuce and tomato rocking you to sleep, the silence of the planets and stars singing you a geometric lullaby. Keep a bottle of ranch dressing on your hip, and you can live like a king here.

You want to know why a salad ship like this even exists. A fair question, I guess. They tell me they used to use them to transport fresh produce to the human colonies on Mars, back when those were active and terrestrials still ate produce. But that was before my time, before what they call the Great Cucumbering—when the human race first encountered the residents of Rigel 7, who had quite the penchant for produce. Eating lettuce and cukes apparently makes those guys, in their words, “high as balls.” Turned out that a bell pepper transported to Rigel could fetch a thousand times what it was worth on Mars, so all the freighters were fixed up with hyperdrives and permanently redirected, and all of earth produce was earmarked for interstellar export. Hardly anyone on earth looked up from their Oreos and Doritos long enough to even notice.

I hear you, and yes, there was some resistance. That’s why earth is such an armpit these days, why no one visits there anymore, not even for the Oreos. They call themselves the Vegan Uprising, buncha weirdos who got their hands on some firearms, explosives, and started waving around their Earth produce is for earthlings banners and setting fire to cabbage fields. Earth farmers fought back, of course, and that’s why earth is a perpetual turf war these days—the Great Cuke Wars, they call it. Yeah, I know it’s a dumb name, but that’s what they decided to call it, so that’s what we’re stuck with now.

Look, people are dying, and you’re stuck on the name? Come on, man.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to blow up like that. We’re normally pretty chill up here, mainly because we never set foot on earth. Down there, you’re either a crusader, or a drug pusher, or you’re caught by one of their bullets. There’s no winning. But up here? Up here, we’re all kings.

We stow away in the veggie freighters, eat when we want, sleep when we want. We get off at whatever ports we like, sometimes find work, sometimes find adventure. It’s hell down on earth, but the stars are a dance of baby carrots and broccoli. Let the rest of them kill each other; we’re going to live. That’s what we say up here.

Want some ranch? I got this special chipotle-flavor kind. 🕹🌙🧸

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Free books ain’t veggies, but they’re still good for you

Hey, thanks for reading! If you’re new to this newsletter, here’s how it works: everyone who signs up to receive it in their email inbox gets free e-book copies of both my published books, plus you get entered in a monthly drawing for a free signed paperback copy of each! Why? Because I like you.

So, just for signing up, you’ll get:

• Ophelia, Alive: A Ghost Story, my debut novel about ghosts, zombies, Hamlet, and higher-ed angst. Won a few minor awards, might be good.

• Murder-Bears, Moonshine, and Mayhem: Strange Stories from the Bible to Leave You Amused, Bemused, and (Hopefully) Informed, an irreverent tour of the weirdest bits of the Christian and Jewish Scriptures. Also won a few minor awards, also might

…plus:

• a monthly update on my ✨glamorous life as an author✨ (i.e., mostly stories about me lying around the house, playing videogames, petting my dogs, etc.)

• A monthly short-short!

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• my monthly thoughts on horror, the publishing industry, and why social media is just the worst.

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Congrats to last month’s winners, fenwaydonegan1 and senicholson99! (If you are senicholson99, please reach out to me! I’ve emailed you twice to no response!) I’ll run the next drawing Aug. 1! 🕹🌙🧸